Hey Bloggy Friends! Long time no see. This week has been a crazy-busy. Plus I’ve been fighting off a downward spiral of self-doubt.
You know those days when you feel inadequate at everything you do? Throughout the week, I’ve come up with a laundry list of areas where I’m clearly sub-par:
I’ve felt like an inadequate mom, wife, housekeeper, writer, blogger, discipler, mentor, discipliner, exerciser, launderer, healthy-eater, Christmas-decorator, clothes-shopper, dog-owner etc.
(All-or-nothing, anyone? Why yes, please.)
***
It came to a head last night, with a venting, crying phone call to the husband (who had ditched me to do a massive catering job. Totally heartless.)
After we talked, I regained some perspective and made it through the evening. (You’ll be glad to know that I still have three children and am not on the run from the law.)
Today I’ve been pondering my meltdown, and I’m reminded of some truths that I need to cling to.
1. God doesn’t expect me to be perfect.
Really? Really.
At down times like this, I regress to an old belief: that God is disappointed with me for my inadequacy.
I’m reminded now of this: I believe God can’t be disappointed, because disappointment comes out of unmet expectations. God knows everything, so he can’t be surprised. So at least in Stephanie-logic, it follows that his expectations are 100% realistic and never unmet. He knew I was gonna yell at my kids last night. Does he like it? Of course not. Is he disappointed with or mad at (and thus rejecting) me? No.
For some reason, that makes me feel really relieved.
2. God doesn’t expect me to succeed at everything on my list.
His “list” for me contains no more than one thing: the next step. And he gives me all the tools/skills/knowledge I need to take that step. I do that, and God replaces it with another step. And so on.
So it’s reasonable to expect some things on my list to totally drop off of it. (I don’t think God puts a lot of stock in my clothes-shopping skills.) And others, while they continue to be important, will appear on God’s list in incremental steps of obedience. I don’t have to figure them out now.
I need to be like Billy Crystal’s character in City Slickers, keeping my eyes on One Thing. Whew. That already feels more manageable.
3. God expects more of me than I feel capable of.
Sounds contradictory, but it’s not. God never asks anything of me that he doesn’t also equip me to do. But unequipped by him, his vision for me is too big. So on my own = impossible. Relying on God for his empowerment = totally, supernaturally possible.
It’s so easy to drift away from reliance on God. The vision shrinks to something I consider achievable. I start operating on autopilot, doing what seems right to me. And life becomes a journey of surviving.
***
You know what I’m thankful for? God’s pursuit of me. Not only does he not reject me; he never stops pursuing me.
Inevitably, my cycle of God-reliance/self-reliance/God-reliance looks like this:
Rely on me. Come up with goals I can accomplish. Start pursuing them. Recognize other important goals. Add them to the list. Recognize more priorities. Add them to the list.
[This is where God's pursuit comes in!]
Suddenly notice the whole list I’ve created. Panic because I realize it’s no longer achievable. Feel hopeless and alone. Oh! Remember that I’m not alone; I just need to turn around to see that God is beside me.
Run to him.
Give him my list.
Take his.
Question for you: Are you carrying God’s list? Or yours?
***
Matthew 11:28-30
[Jesus said] “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
This was a good post. I think you’re a great blogger and from all the things we (your blogger fans) read, you’re also a great wife and mother!
I’m glad God’s definition of succeeding is often different from ours. I learned in a Bible study last spring that if you’re not reaching, you’re not doing what God wants you to do. I thought that was pretty good. In reality sometimes it’s a bummer. I tend to want to do the “same old” or the easy things. Looks like you’re just in the right place!
Keep up the good work.
By: thedomesticfringe on December 5, 2008
at 2:10 pm
That verse you share at the end is so poignant for this heartfelt post, my dear SSBBBFF. While it is still a burden we are not driven under the heavy taskmaster of human incapacity; rather we are yoked with a loving and kind God who will not take us at a rhythm that damages us.
To answer your question… at times it is my list and at times it is the Lords.
By: @ngie on December 5, 2008
at 2:27 pm
What a terrible time to ask about my list….packers come Monday!!
By: thefarmerfiles on December 5, 2008
at 2:37 pm
What a sensible and creative approach.
By: asexualmystique on December 5, 2008
at 2:59 pm
Hey Steph,
Read this
By: katdish on December 5, 2008
at 4:21 pm
@domesticfringe – THANK you for your encouragement. It means a lot to me.
@@ngie – So true, and said a lot fancier than I did.
@thefarmerfiles – Oooh, moving. That carries its own challenges. You need prayer!
@katdish – Thank you for the link. ANOTHER book I need to read. And it had a great illustration.
By: Steph on December 5, 2008
at 5:55 pm
You sound like you’re putting everything into perspective which ususally calms anyone down.
Finally , in my mid-forties am I learning the things that I think matter the most, sometimes don’t matter AT ALL!
Always choose
* People over things
*Resting over over- exerting
*Eating that rich piece of chocolate pie (Ok a SMALL piece)over eating a celery stick
And remember to
*Let the mess wait till you have time to clean it up
and that
*Take out food won’t kill ya’ (well, maybe it will, but it’s a SLOW death)
*The extra weight is just more to love on
*Our children are much more understanding and forgiving than we give them credit for
* We don’t have to “inspire” every day- sometimes we just need to lounge around in our Pj’s drinking Theraflu because we’re sick (oh, that was me today, sorry)
Anyway, that easy yoke thing Jesus spoke of is just that, EASY when when let Him guide us by the yoke He gives.
Hang in there my sista!
You’re doing just fine.
By: SHerri on December 5, 2008
at 8:13 pm
Steph, thank you for this post. It has been a hard week for me, too, and I feel overwhelmed by what God has put on my list. I would not have put these things on my list, for sure. He does indeed call us to things we are incapable of, yet He is also the one who gives us the capability. I really needed to hear this post, to hear from someone else struggling and finding their footing.
By: Stonefox on December 5, 2008
at 8:57 pm
Great post. I have these moments, too, and I hate them because I usally feel so adequate. I am at a loss on how to cope with not being good at anything. I reminds me to be humble, cuase it might actually be true that I’m not good at anything.
By: krissy on December 6, 2008
at 10:14 am
His list, for sure. Problem is, I cross bits off and add my own, then the proverbial hits the fan….eek.
By: Braja on December 6, 2008
at 1:36 pm
Visiting via BPOTW…
I’ll be upfront that I’m not all that religious or anything but I really enjoyed this post and thoughts you have and I think they are really universal truths that we can all appreciate…especially women, I think. thanks!
By: Jenners on December 7, 2008
at 10:17 am
Jenners, thanks for stopping by and commenting.
I’m glad you enjoyed my post. I agree that there are some universal truths that impact us all.
By: Steph on December 7, 2008
at 1:31 pm
Your post was really good. I feel like an inadequate wife, daughter, housekeeper, etc. sometimes, but have been blessed with a husband and mom who accept me as I am, so I get to see God’ love for me in a tangible way, something not everyone is priveleged with. If I tell them that I think they deserve more or better, they tell me that they love me. And Sherri’s comment about people first is right on. My mom and my husband want me to spend time with them, and they aren’t worried about the corner where I hid all the stuff I haven’t sorted through yet, and while they like my cooking, they don’t mind hot dogs and chips every so often instead. I guess God is kinda like that too. He wants us, our hearts, our time, not busyness.
By: Helen on December 8, 2008
at 12:18 am
Hey Steph,
I was just listening to a message last night by a good friend of mine and she made three VERY good points that I am going to try to remember when I have meltdown and the faith seems a little shaky(and buh-leeve me, I have the gold medal when it comes to meltdown).
God IS: Enough said.
God Can: He can take care of us because he’s BIG that way.
God Cares: More than we can imagine.
It really is that simple…!
By: Annie K on December 8, 2008
at 11:09 am