Hey, my blog may be down a little during the afternoon on Tuesday, December 9.

But it’s for a good reason — I’m moving! This URL  and all permalinks will still actually point to my blog, but the main web address will become http://redclaydiaries.com (a self-hosted wordpress blog).

I’ll write a post asking you to change all bookmarks and links after the move is finalized.

Can you tell I’m excited? This was my “next step” from God’s “list.” Everything beyond this is unknown. Yoiks!

Thanks for reading me. I’m honored to have you as my guest. Catch you on the flip side!!!!

I’ve spent the weekend reading the wonderful comments left by many of you on my Friday post. What great affirmation and encouragement you gave. Thank you!

As new to blogging as I still am, I find myself in awe of this cyber-community. Online friendship may have limitations, but I’m finding it to be more rich and fulfilling than I’d ever anticipated.

So… I’m feeling better today. A lot of that has to do with hormones, if you know what I mean. Absent estrogen intoxication, I might not have shared all that I did on Friday. So it goes to show that God will even use PMS to his glory.

***

Speaking of PMS, (way to alienate my male readers, huh? Sorry guys.) I think I’m seeing evidence of some hormonal swings in Hannah, my 9-year-old. Yesterday she went from giddy to angry to silly to crying hysterically.

The pinnacle was the conversation I had with her in the Publix parking lot.

We’d gotten out of the car to spare the other kids her wailing.

Hannah: Everyone’s being MEAN to me!

Me: No Sweetie, you’re being mean to everyone.

H: NO I’M NOT!

Me: Don’t you remember telling me you hate me and then calling me a jerk?

H: YOU WERE BEING MEAN TO ME!

Me: Even if I was — which I wasn’t — does that ever make it okay?

H: NO! But you were being MEAN to me!

(sensing that this was going in circles, I tried a new tack)

Me: Sweetie, remember how we talked about puberty and how it can make people moody? That’s what’s going on with you today. It means that no matter how nice people are to you, it FEELS like they’re being mean.

H: But they ARE!

***

Oh, this puberty thing is gonna be a Barrel of Laughs. But for the sake of her future husband (and all of us right now) , I need to keep teaching her that perception does not always equal reality. Especially at certain times in a woman’s life.

***

On another note: Our dishwasher is making some C.R.AA.A.A..Z.Y noises. It must’ve heard me when I mused to Charlie that someday I’d like to get a new one.

(Dishwasher, it wasn’t personal! I’m just tired of your 2-hour cycles!)

(Possible Christmas gift Charlie and I give each other: a dishwasher. Whoopee.)

Hey Bloggy Friends! Long time no see. This week has been a crazy-busy. Plus I’ve been fighting off a downward spiral of self-doubt.

You know those days when you feel inadequate at everything you do? Throughout the week, I’ve come up with a laundry list of areas where I’m clearly sub-par:

I’ve felt like an inadequate mom, wife, housekeeper, writer, blogger, discipler, mentor, discipliner, exerciser, launderer, healthy-eater, Christmas-decorator, clothes-shopper, dog-owner etc.

(All-or-nothing, anyone? Why yes, please.)

***

It came to a head last night, with a venting, crying phone call to the husband (who had ditched me to do a massive catering job. Totally heartless.)

After we talked, I regained some perspective and made it through the evening. (You’ll be glad to know that I still have three children and am not on the run from the law.)

Today I’ve been pondering my meltdown, and I’m reminded of some truths that I need to cling to.

1. God doesn’t expect me to be perfect.

Really? Really.

At down times like this, I regress to an old belief: that God is disappointed with me for my inadequacy.

I’m reminded now of this: I believe God can’t be disappointed, because disappointment comes out of unmet expectations. God knows everything, so he can’t be surprised. So at least in Stephanie-logic, it follows that his expectations are 100% realistic and never unmet. He knew I was gonna yell at my kids last night. Does he like it? Of course not. Is he disappointed with or mad at (and thus rejecting) me? No.

For some reason, that makes me feel really relieved.

2. God doesn’t expect me to succeed at everything on my list.

His “list” for me contains no more than one thing: the next step. And he gives me all the tools/skills/knowledge I need to take that step. I do that, and God replaces it with another step. And so on.

So it’s reasonable to expect some things on my list to totally drop off of it. (I don’t think God puts a lot of stock in my clothes-shopping skills.) And others, while they continue to be important, will appear on God’s list in incremental steps of obedience. I don’t have to figure them out now.

I need to be like Billy Crystal’s character in City Slickers, keeping my eyes on One Thing. Whew. That already feels more manageable.

3. God expects more of me than I feel capable of.

Sounds contradictory, but it’s not. God never asks anything of me that he doesn’t also equip me to do. But unequipped by him, his vision for me is too big. So on my own = impossible. Relying on God for his empowerment = totally, supernaturally possible.

It’s so easy to drift away from reliance on God. The vision shrinks to something I consider achievable. I start operating on autopilot, doing what seems right to me. And life becomes a journey of surviving.

***

You know what I’m thankful for? God’s pursuit of me. Not only does he not reject me; he never stops pursuing me.

Inevitably, my cycle of God-reliance/self-reliance/God-reliance looks like this:

Rely on me. Come up with goals I can accomplish. Start pursuing them. Recognize other important goals. Add them to the list. Recognize more priorities. Add them to the list.

[This is where God's pursuit comes in!]

Suddenly notice the whole list I’ve created. Panic because I realize it’s no longer achievable. Feel hopeless and alone. Oh! Remember that I’m not alone; I just need to turn around to see that God is beside me.

Run to him.

Give him my list.

Take his.

Question for you: Are you carrying God’s list? Or yours?

***

Matthew 11:28-30

[Jesus said] “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

Wordless Wednesday

Please?

***

Our dirt road in the snow five years ago.
The closest we’ve come since then is an ice storm.

Not exactly the same.

So I’ve spent the morning trying to figure out what to write about. The kids behaved this morning. I volunteered at school without setting off any alarms. Grocery shopping was uneventful. I got nothin.

So what does any good blogger do under those circumstances? She steals from someone else!

Kidding. Seriously, that’s plagiarism. But what IS okay is to play off a meme or quiz that you found on a friend’s blog. So that’s what I’m doing. Linda over at 2nd Cup of Coffee (a cool, funny chick – you should read her) completed a silly quiz about her name’s “secret meaning.” So I clicked over and plugged in MY name. And here are my (clearly 100% accurate) results. Of course I took the liberty of “clarifying” where necessary:

What Stephanie Means

You are the total package – suave, sexy, smart, and strong. Good thing there are so many positive “s” adjectives! (What a coincidence!) You have the whole world under your spell, and you can influence almost everyone you know. Testing: You are getting sleeeeepy. Send your (dark chocolate only) M&Ms to me now… You don’t always resist your urges to crush the weak. BWAH HA HA HA HA! The raw power in this statement! I feel like Plankton from SpongeBob Squarepants. (“U” is for Uranium—Bombs!) Just remember, they don’t have as much going for them as you do. Well. Obviously. You are a seeker. You often find yourself restless – and you have a lot of questions about life. So many questions… If we can put a man on the moon, why can’t manufacturers make a thermal coffeepot that DOESN’T flood the counter? You tend to travel often, to fairly random locations. You’re most comfortable when you’re far away from home. I’ll tell you about random locations. Apparently I hid all the Christmas ornament hooks in a “random location.” I think I do most of my travel lately to replace stuff I’ve lost in the house. You are quite passionate and easily tempted. Your impulses sometimes get you into trouble. I don’t know what you’re talking about. And no, I don’t know HOW that tub of cookie dough got in my shopping cart. You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone. Why, Thank You. [smiles charmingly] You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together. Passionate and easily tempted, plus EASYGOING? How do those go together? Ohhhh. This one must be referring to the person I MARRY. At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together. I just haven’t found anything important enough. You are influential and persuasive. You tend to have a lot of power over people. Again: BWA HA HA HA HA! I’m Dr. Evil! Mini Me, fire the “laser!” Generally, you use your powers for good. You excel at solving other people’s problems. Particularly when those problems annoy ME. Occasionally, you do get a little selfish and persuade people to do things that are only in your interest. Yeah, but only occasionally… What? You are truly an original person. You have amazing ideas, and the power to carry them out. Which is why this line is part of the secret meaning for EVERY name I plug into the quiz…. Success comes rather easily for you… especially in business and academia. Why yesh, I DID eahn a Magna Cum Laude at univehsity. And just LOOK how fah it’s taken me. Some people find you to be selfish and a bit overbearing. You’re a strong person. YOU don’t find me overbearing, DO YOU? WELL, DO YOU? Some boring descriptions that I can’t think of a funny comeback to. Blah blah blah…. Continuing… You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people. Annnnd, my intuition is telling me that you’re getting bored with this quiz… You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts. Hey! When did you get here? You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals. And what exactly do you mean by that? You tend to be pretty tightly wound. It’s easy to get you excited… which can be a good or bad thing. AGAIN with the contradictions. You know, this test is NOT accurate. HOW am I supposed to learn the secret meaning of my name when they allow such shoddy work?! I think I’ll write a LETTER. You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. You don’t stick with any one thing for very long. What was I just saying? Oooh, LOOK! Pie! You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start. …mmmm, this pie is SPECTACULAR.

What’s Your Name’s Hidden Meaning?

***

Well, I know I had fun with that. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go clean coffee grounds off the counter. (O Cuisinart! Why do you mock me?!)

The Scene: Kitchen, Monday morning, 7:30 a.m.

One of my children (who shall remain nameless) is rifling through the snack cupboard.

KID: “What am I supposed to BRING to eat in the car?!”

ME: “I don’t know. Not my problem.”

KID: “I hate you! You don’t even care about me! You won’t even fix me breakfast!”

ME: “YOU chose to go back to bed after you woke up. You ran out of time to eat at home. You did this to yourself.”

KID: “I know, but I don’t CARE!”

And there, my friends, is the childhood sense of entitlement in a nutshell.

***

Funny. It sounds familiar:

ME: “God, how am I supposed to LOSE this weight?! Why won’t you take it off easily?”

GOD: “…”

ME: “Don’t you care about me and my health?”

GOD: “Er, who chose to eat all those M&M’s over the past 6 months? And slack off on exercise?”

ME: “Me, but I don’t CARE!”

And there, my friends, is MY sense of entitlement in a nutshell.

***

Shows we never fully arrive, huh? I think maturity is, in part, the ability to recognize and shoulder responsibility for our own decisions.

But I suspect that it’s on a continuum. True, my kid is closer to the low end than I am. (Thank GOD!) But I’m certainly not at the pinnacle.

When I see my child’s immaturity, it helps to remember that I’ve walked that path before. And God is gentle and kind with me – even as he allows me to experience the natural outcome of my choices.

So I need to make God’s method my model.

I do my child a disservice when I stand between him and consequences.

But God has shown me that I should stand beside him in the face of them.

***

Today I’m in a bad mood. I could blame it on tiredness or the battle with my kid this morning. But mostly I think I’m pouting over my to-do list. Like my kid needed to actually GET UP this morning, I need to DO some of these jobs, and I’d rather just go back to bed.

Praying that God will strengthen me to do what he’s calling me to do.

Have a good Monday!

Hoping to be less of a crank tomorrow…

Steph

I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving. We certainly did.

The cast: Six adults, six kids (four of them under 7).

The menu: Smoked turkey, chestnut stuffing, gravy, collard greens, and broccoli with homemade cheese sauce. For dessert: pumpkin and apple pies.

(I made the pumpkin pie.)

(Yay, me!)

Charlie did his usual culinary magic. Everything was perfectly-cooked and delicious.

Oh! And we narrowly avoided a food poisoning disaster! Wednesday evening, Charlie discovered that the turkey – which we’d bought early this year for the first time in possibly forever so it could actually be thawed – was spoiled.

(Nothing like running to Publix at 9 pm for another turkey.)

(To our local Publix’s credit, they graciously credited us for the spoiled turkey and sold us a fresh one.)

(For about a dollar more per pound. But what’re you gonna do?)

***

Back to Thursday:

After our 3 p.m. meal, football was watched. Ads were perused and shopping lists made. Dessert was enjoyed. Stemware was dropped and broken. Fights over Legos were mediated. Fights over the trampoline were mediated. Fights over Barbies were mediated.

A lot of fights were mediated.

Fortunately, we saw no blood, broken bones, or fist fights.

(Since the fight over the TV channel was ended by putting the daddies in time out.)

(Oh, I kid. The only yelling done by the men was at the football players on TV.)

Clearly, the first line of Charlie’s prayer to bless the food — “Dear Lord, thank you for this chaos” – was apropos.

***

Friday was L.A.Z.Y. At least for me. And the kids, who spent it in front of the TV.

(Charlie overachieved by working on the treehouse all afternoon. Showoff.)

Anyway, having talked myself out of waking at 4:30 a.m. to do battle over $5 DVDs at Target, I did a little bit of laundry (not nearly enough) and took down all the fall decorations. Since we don’t have a lot of fall décor, this didn’t take long. Surprisingly, I felt sad about saying goodbye to the paper turkeys and leaf-appliqued towels.

Of course, my mood was improved by listening to Christmas music.

(Which I’m allowed to do now that we’ve gotten past the Thanksgiving “playoffs,” and my “teammate” in the “Super Bowl” of life can’t complain about it.)

(I heart “air quotes.”)

(I mean I “heart” them.)

(I crack myself up.)

Today: Christmas decorating! We’ll be wrestling with our tree, unwrapping dozens of Santa tchotchkes, mediating fights (of course), drinking eggnog, and singing along with Perry Como and the Ray Conniff Singers.

I heart Christmas.

I’ll be back Monday with something either inspiring or hilarious.

Or at least verbose …